Well when I weighed on Friday I had a 2 pound gain, this was very disheartening I was so annoyed but couldn't see why or how! I was baking scones and also the low carb chocolate brownies for a couple of girlfriends who were visiting. Yes you guessed it I caved into temptation and had a scone, well I told you I would be completely honest here. The good thing is I told myself only one and I had a piece of the chocolate brownie to try it. It was very nice and tasty but I know it would come at a price if I had that too often! I managed to get right back on track immediately. One thing I want to do is journal what I eat each day that way I will know exactly what I have eaten. This week I had to go back and analyse everything, it finally came to me last night right after I'd eaten what was the culprit. I had on Wednesday a sea food mix it had calamari, mussels, prawns and crab sticks only the crab sticks weren't crab they are a mix of surimi which usually only makes up about 30% the rest is stabilisers, and wheat starch, rice wine and many other ingredients. This has taught me to scrutinise everything I buy and make sure i look at the ingredients. Even the Mayo I bought tonight has sugar in it so I need to make my own, after all it is pretty easy to make.
This week I will plan much better when I am at work I don't want to be tempted so I've been researching snacks that are allowed. Monique whom I met on the recent Low Carb Cruise has a brilliant Blog LifeZone, I've added it to my recommended links, it has some great ideas of what you can eat on LCHF, also some good tips for planning weekends with the kids and eating with friends.
I know a lot of my friends in the UK will find it strange me eating lots butter and double cream as we are brain washed about low fat. But I know LCHF works there are too many people I know that this as worked for, even when I was low carb I knew I felt better but now I have to stick with this way of eating it is a life choice rather than a 'diet'! Yes eating the butter with my food is strange but I find if I have my favourite a good quality butter then it is easier.
So on a positive I think I did well getting straight back on track and I refused to get into the frame of mind when I feel guilty, as it is the guilt that starts the downward spiral of emotions.
My eating today
I don't really do breakfast I can't eat too early as I feel sick so mid morning I had some mature cheddar snack size and coffee with cream.
Lunch I had 2 chicken breasts with skin on and warmed it up with cream cheese over it.
Dinner Chris fancied fish and chips so being LCHF didn't stop me joining in I just had Haddock without the batter and ate that with butter on it.
I probably should eat more but I'm finding I am feeling satisfied and don't feel the need to eat more. The butter seems to stop me feeling hungry now, I was always an evening picker but now I feel I couldn't possibly eat anything.
So this week I am journaling what I eat each day and what kind of day I've had, I'm gonna be organised and prepared what I will be eating. Hopefully Friday I will have a loss but if I don't I'm not too fussed as apparently in the first few weeks you can have a gain before you start losing this is for the long term.
Tomorrow I'm going to my first Zumba class I'm looking forward to it and I've bought a sports bra ;-).
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Keeping going
Well I am now feeling much better I think dealing with Jet Lag while xeroxing was a bit much but I'd rather get it over in one go. Yesterday I think was the first day I felt well the headaches had stopped and my stomach is not griping so much.
I have coped pretty well with temptation I went to a party and only ate the fillings from the sandwiches not the bread.
I will be weighing every Friday but last week on Friday I'd lost 4 pound. I try not get into the weighing everyday as this can become obsessive and unrealistic for me as we fluctuate day to day. I know people who are happy with this and it works for them. Occasionally halfway through the week i give in just to see if it is still working!
I am beginning to realise that food will always be tempting for me but it is whether I choose to let it control me. When I am in the right frame of mind I can be very determined and stay on track but that one slip can send me on a downward spiral that can last for months. I know I have to look at other ways of dealing with my emotions rather than turning to food! I need to develop a mental tool kit. All my life food has been comfort and reward, sometimes Chris will by ice-cream and cakes and will say have it as a treat you deserve it. I think I just need to educate him to choose jewellery instead ;-) lol.
I downloaded an app on my iPad called 'You can do it' it is basically a positive thinking book in it is a list of promises to yourself to make a change for the better so I am going to hand write that out, it is better if you hand write it as you put more into it and take it in better! So this is my first goal, I have tweaked it a bit to my needs I'll put a copy on here so you can see it. I will pin it in a prominent place like a mirror or
the fridge so I see it daily. Each morning I want to read it so it sets me up for the day.
Well what have I been doing differently this week that has stopped me going off plan? Well the first thing is I've just returned from the 4th Annual Low Carb Cruise and it has given me the determination I need. I have some very good friends who together we are supporting each other and we are going though the same thing. I've set myself a goal and I want to achieve it. I don't want to be in the same position next year on the next cruise! Looking at all my photos I just get drawn to the fact I just have to lose weight! I have issues with my tummy I know I need a tummy tuck and will have one, it is one of my goals.
Initially doing this blog is my journey and how I achieve this, my aim though is to turn it into help and support for others on how I've succeeded, I figured I can't do that initially although I will be sharing how I am doing it, I need to help others once I've helped myself. So stick with it while I waffle on as things can only get better! I remember when I was nursing I would often have to advise people about healthy eating I always cringed as how could I a fat person tell someone how to lose weight. Yes I was ignorant back then it would have been the typical hi carb low fat diet that has been 'proven' as a good healthy diet! As a diabetic I would often get referred to a dietician, don't get me wrong these were always very nice 'thin' people. I would just sit there and smile and take in the advice, even then I realised all this starch
can't really be that good for you. When they used to say all you need is willpower inwardly I would laugh I mean this was a person who had no weight issues and never struggled with a lack of 'willpower' I knew then that my eating was so much more than needing willpower! In the end when the diabetic consultant said I'll make a referral to the dietician I politely said no thank you.
The more I listen to the speakers on the cruise the more I have learnt that yes I have emotional eating issues but some of the problems I have been having are down to the foods I was eating. Eating Carbs makes me eat more Carbs and crave sugar and I also never could recognise when my stomach was full. One of the speakers Mary Vernon explained about taste receptors in the bowel and how when eating Carbs these receptors would want you to eat more Carbs. If you increase your fat intake( and I don't mean the plastic fat that is in dairy spreads and margarine I mean real fat) saturated fats are what you need and these apparently turn off these receptors in the bowel so you feel fuller quicker so eat less. This I have found to be true, for the first few day I increased my fat intake, believe me after all the government health warnings of how a high fat diet can kill you this was difficult. I cook my fried eggs in butter and then pour the butter on top and chop it all together this is one way I can stomach it. I was getting where I was literally forcing myself to eat and feeling quite uncomfortable, when someone said if you aren't hungry don't eat. Bing the lightbulb went on I felt so much better, I realised i was satisfied and no longer craved
food. My day is no longer spent thinking about my next sugar fix and my next carb fix. On the 2010 cruise one thing that stuck in my mind, one of the the speakers Dr William Davies spoke about low fat diets, he explained that low fat diets started to become popular in around 1984, and guess what was on the increase following this? High cholesterol!! That to me spoke volumes.
Right one of my goals for today is drink more water, since my blood sugars have gone back to normal I no longer have this dying thirst, before I planned my journeys around toilets and getting drinks, now that has reversed I keep forgetting.
My good friend put this on her status and I really love it, it it so true "A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless".
So go and heal someone with a loving word!
I have coped pretty well with temptation I went to a party and only ate the fillings from the sandwiches not the bread.
I will be weighing every Friday but last week on Friday I'd lost 4 pound. I try not get into the weighing everyday as this can become obsessive and unrealistic for me as we fluctuate day to day. I know people who are happy with this and it works for them. Occasionally halfway through the week i give in just to see if it is still working!
I am beginning to realise that food will always be tempting for me but it is whether I choose to let it control me. When I am in the right frame of mind I can be very determined and stay on track but that one slip can send me on a downward spiral that can last for months. I know I have to look at other ways of dealing with my emotions rather than turning to food! I need to develop a mental tool kit. All my life food has been comfort and reward, sometimes Chris will by ice-cream and cakes and will say have it as a treat you deserve it. I think I just need to educate him to choose jewellery instead ;-) lol.
I downloaded an app on my iPad called 'You can do it' it is basically a positive thinking book in it is a list of promises to yourself to make a change for the better so I am going to hand write that out, it is better if you hand write it as you put more into it and take it in better! So this is my first goal, I have tweaked it a bit to my needs I'll put a copy on here so you can see it. I will pin it in a prominent place like a mirror or
the fridge so I see it daily. Each morning I want to read it so it sets me up for the day.
Well what have I been doing differently this week that has stopped me going off plan? Well the first thing is I've just returned from the 4th Annual Low Carb Cruise and it has given me the determination I need. I have some very good friends who together we are supporting each other and we are going though the same thing. I've set myself a goal and I want to achieve it. I don't want to be in the same position next year on the next cruise! Looking at all my photos I just get drawn to the fact I just have to lose weight! I have issues with my tummy I know I need a tummy tuck and will have one, it is one of my goals.
Initially doing this blog is my journey and how I achieve this, my aim though is to turn it into help and support for others on how I've succeeded, I figured I can't do that initially although I will be sharing how I am doing it, I need to help others once I've helped myself. So stick with it while I waffle on as things can only get better! I remember when I was nursing I would often have to advise people about healthy eating I always cringed as how could I a fat person tell someone how to lose weight. Yes I was ignorant back then it would have been the typical hi carb low fat diet that has been 'proven' as a good healthy diet! As a diabetic I would often get referred to a dietician, don't get me wrong these were always very nice 'thin' people. I would just sit there and smile and take in the advice, even then I realised all this starch
can't really be that good for you. When they used to say all you need is willpower inwardly I would laugh I mean this was a person who had no weight issues and never struggled with a lack of 'willpower' I knew then that my eating was so much more than needing willpower! In the end when the diabetic consultant said I'll make a referral to the dietician I politely said no thank you.
The more I listen to the speakers on the cruise the more I have learnt that yes I have emotional eating issues but some of the problems I have been having are down to the foods I was eating. Eating Carbs makes me eat more Carbs and crave sugar and I also never could recognise when my stomach was full. One of the speakers Mary Vernon explained about taste receptors in the bowel and how when eating Carbs these receptors would want you to eat more Carbs. If you increase your fat intake( and I don't mean the plastic fat that is in dairy spreads and margarine I mean real fat) saturated fats are what you need and these apparently turn off these receptors in the bowel so you feel fuller quicker so eat less. This I have found to be true, for the first few day I increased my fat intake, believe me after all the government health warnings of how a high fat diet can kill you this was difficult. I cook my fried eggs in butter and then pour the butter on top and chop it all together this is one way I can stomach it. I was getting where I was literally forcing myself to eat and feeling quite uncomfortable, when someone said if you aren't hungry don't eat. Bing the lightbulb went on I felt so much better, I realised i was satisfied and no longer craved
food. My day is no longer spent thinking about my next sugar fix and my next carb fix. On the 2010 cruise one thing that stuck in my mind, one of the the speakers Dr William Davies spoke about low fat diets, he explained that low fat diets started to become popular in around 1984, and guess what was on the increase following this? High cholesterol!! That to me spoke volumes.
Right one of my goals for today is drink more water, since my blood sugars have gone back to normal I no longer have this dying thirst, before I planned my journeys around toilets and getting drinks, now that has reversed I keep forgetting.
My good friend put this on her status and I really love it, it it so true "A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless".
So go and heal someone with a loving word!
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Still doing good but want to start from my beginnings.
I've been low carb high fat(LCHF) all week now and still feeling determined and strong but think I'm going through detox at the minute as my IBS has returned and getting sicky headaches. I haven't felt the need to go off plan, note I am not using the word cheat I hate that word.
Coming back from the recent Low Carb Cruise has made me think and take stock of things, I really enjoyed the cruise and meeting with my friends and seeing new people but the not mingling was a problem for me, so next year my goal will be to feel good about myself and to be better at meeting the people next year I know will be bigger, better and busier.
Today I have been looking at myself more and why I get my hackles up when people criticize anything to do with my size, I think all my life it has been an issue for me. Looking back it seemed like my weight was always the subject that people felt they had a need to tell me as if it was their right. I suppose firstly I grew up in a home that we had 3 meals a day and you ate what you were given. Fruit was not a daily part of my diet usually at Christmas we got a tangerine on our stocking. This later became Terry's Chocolate Oranges, when I was young i think the sweets and chocolate gave me a quick fix to fill a gap in my life, that gap I won't really go into as I have moved on from this.
Whenever we had get togethers as a family well meaning aunties would talk about my fat as puppy fat and when I grow up it will go! Well for a short time between 16 and 20 it did. I remember being thin and enjoying it but never felt I could be free to be thin! I lived in Italy for a year as a Nanny and really enjoyed my time there, I lived in with an Italian family and leant to speak Italian I felt good about myself and proud that I had learnt another language. At the end of my time in Italy I got a job in a coffee shop, the owner an older man probably in his mid 50's, he was quite chatty and my accommodation was included with my job. After my first day Vito needed to get rid of some rubbish! I was very naive so thought nothing of getting in the car with him as he said he would take me to the apartment after. We drove up into the hills surrounding Florence where he encouraged me out of the car to look at the beautiful view of Florence. That was when my life changed, the evil man raped me! I got back in the car and he drove me back to he city and dropped me off at the apartment, getting in the car was difficult but I was alone in the middle of nowhere survival took over. I remember this feeling of being totally alone and lost, I think I spent the whole night in the shower just trying to get clean. This was when I returned to the UK, I think my mind blotted out what had happened. I met up with Chris he was then and is now the love of my life but when we got together then it scared me because of what had happened and I ran away to live in London! This I do regret but I don't regret marrying my ex husband as I gained my 2 boys who I am very proud of and they fulfil my life.
This I think was the start of my struggle with food, I would binge eat anything. I was a non purging bulimic as I wanted to get fat, after all if I was fat nobody would be attracted to me and in my mind this would prevent what happened in Italy right! I had this inner struggle so wanting to be slim but every time I tried I would lose a certain amount of weight then I would panic and the diet would fail again.
Again a well meaning aunt who I'd not seen for years saw me, I was so looking forward to seeing her too, she didn't even say hello the first words out of her mouth was "god you've got fat!" I could have died on the spot but somehow I had grown up learning to just accept insults without saying anything. I mean I could have turned around and said "my how wrinkly and old you look now" but I would never be so rude.
I think the problem is people judge a person without looking behind the face of the person in front of them. The native Indians have a great saying which I try and live my life by "Oh Great Spirit please help me to never judge another until I have walked 2 moons in their moccasins".
When you live with a weight problem you are judged on a daily basis with people making perceptions, looking at what you are eating. On the recent cruise I really couldn't relax as I felt I daren't eat what I want to for fear of being judged. I love the people on the low carb cruise as they have a passion for the cause but sometimes when there is passion for something compassion is lost. We are all human and we all have weaknesses. I admire someone who can make a choice to omit certain foods without a problem, but we are all different and at differing stages in our journey to lose weight and be healthy, some people take a straight road while other take a winding road. No body is better than the other and some struggle more than others. I now have changed my attitude towards people who try to evangelize to me in a forceful way that eating Carbs is so wrong. I know Carbs are bad but I have off days and I have learnt to sometimes give in otherwise the struggle gets worse and can lead to a binge.
If you don't have a struggle with food and you are tempted to give an opinion or a disapproving look at what is on someone's plate, stop for one moment and think, just one little comment or look that is negative can create a whole spiral of emotions that can lead to someone like me going on an eating binge. This does not mean I am weak or I need pity just compassion and respect. Take an inward look and say to yourself thank God I don't live with this nightmare.
Why did I share all this well I am on a journey and I want to share that journey as I hope in doing this blog I can share my ups and downs but it will also keep me accountable.
Coming back from the recent Low Carb Cruise has made me think and take stock of things, I really enjoyed the cruise and meeting with my friends and seeing new people but the not mingling was a problem for me, so next year my goal will be to feel good about myself and to be better at meeting the people next year I know will be bigger, better and busier.
Today I have been looking at myself more and why I get my hackles up when people criticize anything to do with my size, I think all my life it has been an issue for me. Looking back it seemed like my weight was always the subject that people felt they had a need to tell me as if it was their right. I suppose firstly I grew up in a home that we had 3 meals a day and you ate what you were given. Fruit was not a daily part of my diet usually at Christmas we got a tangerine on our stocking. This later became Terry's Chocolate Oranges, when I was young i think the sweets and chocolate gave me a quick fix to fill a gap in my life, that gap I won't really go into as I have moved on from this.
Whenever we had get togethers as a family well meaning aunties would talk about my fat as puppy fat and when I grow up it will go! Well for a short time between 16 and 20 it did. I remember being thin and enjoying it but never felt I could be free to be thin! I lived in Italy for a year as a Nanny and really enjoyed my time there, I lived in with an Italian family and leant to speak Italian I felt good about myself and proud that I had learnt another language. At the end of my time in Italy I got a job in a coffee shop, the owner an older man probably in his mid 50's, he was quite chatty and my accommodation was included with my job. After my first day Vito needed to get rid of some rubbish! I was very naive so thought nothing of getting in the car with him as he said he would take me to the apartment after. We drove up into the hills surrounding Florence where he encouraged me out of the car to look at the beautiful view of Florence. That was when my life changed, the evil man raped me! I got back in the car and he drove me back to he city and dropped me off at the apartment, getting in the car was difficult but I was alone in the middle of nowhere survival took over. I remember this feeling of being totally alone and lost, I think I spent the whole night in the shower just trying to get clean. This was when I returned to the UK, I think my mind blotted out what had happened. I met up with Chris he was then and is now the love of my life but when we got together then it scared me because of what had happened and I ran away to live in London! This I do regret but I don't regret marrying my ex husband as I gained my 2 boys who I am very proud of and they fulfil my life.
This I think was the start of my struggle with food, I would binge eat anything. I was a non purging bulimic as I wanted to get fat, after all if I was fat nobody would be attracted to me and in my mind this would prevent what happened in Italy right! I had this inner struggle so wanting to be slim but every time I tried I would lose a certain amount of weight then I would panic and the diet would fail again.
Again a well meaning aunt who I'd not seen for years saw me, I was so looking forward to seeing her too, she didn't even say hello the first words out of her mouth was "god you've got fat!" I could have died on the spot but somehow I had grown up learning to just accept insults without saying anything. I mean I could have turned around and said "my how wrinkly and old you look now" but I would never be so rude.
I think the problem is people judge a person without looking behind the face of the person in front of them. The native Indians have a great saying which I try and live my life by "Oh Great Spirit please help me to never judge another until I have walked 2 moons in their moccasins".
When you live with a weight problem you are judged on a daily basis with people making perceptions, looking at what you are eating. On the recent cruise I really couldn't relax as I felt I daren't eat what I want to for fear of being judged. I love the people on the low carb cruise as they have a passion for the cause but sometimes when there is passion for something compassion is lost. We are all human and we all have weaknesses. I admire someone who can make a choice to omit certain foods without a problem, but we are all different and at differing stages in our journey to lose weight and be healthy, some people take a straight road while other take a winding road. No body is better than the other and some struggle more than others. I now have changed my attitude towards people who try to evangelize to me in a forceful way that eating Carbs is so wrong. I know Carbs are bad but I have off days and I have learnt to sometimes give in otherwise the struggle gets worse and can lead to a binge.
If you don't have a struggle with food and you are tempted to give an opinion or a disapproving look at what is on someone's plate, stop for one moment and think, just one little comment or look that is negative can create a whole spiral of emotions that can lead to someone like me going on an eating binge. This does not mean I am weak or I need pity just compassion and respect. Take an inward look and say to yourself thank God I don't live with this nightmare.
Why did I share all this well I am on a journey and I want to share that journey as I hope in doing this blog I can share my ups and downs but it will also keep me accountable.
Friday, 13 May 2011
I'm back
I forgot I had this blog so gonna try continue and stick to it this time.
What's happened in the last 3 1/2 years well I lost 70 pound but put 20 back on, my mum died which caused a stall. I've just returned from the 4th Annual Low Carb Cruise which I thoroughly enjoyed but couldn't fully enjoy as being part of the committee and felt scrutinized believe me no-one gave me that impression but it was how I felt personally. I felt uncomfortable so I didn't mingle as much as I should. The funny thing is on this vacation I achieved so much in New York going up Skyscrapers and climbing up a fast running waterfall Dunn's River falls. Jumping off a platform into the river, and singing in the talent show. I am an achiever I can do things if I set my mind to it so why then do I struggle daily sticking to plan with food! Even Chris saying if I get to goal he will pay for a tummy tuck for me doesn't seem to drive me!
This week I've been thinking my weightless struggle is an emotional one, I already know what I should be eating yet sometimes I give in to temptation as if to say to he'll with it. So now I am looking at what are the triggers and how can I prevent them from controlling my life. So from now on I am strictly low carb hih fat and on a journey which will also evaluate my eating patterns and sharing what I have learnt about myself!
I started yesterday on lowcarb high fat and was 205 this morning I was 201 so have lost some water initially but I do feel strong and I am determined but I keep saying to myself just for today I'm doing okay. This is a step by step process, I set myself little goals first I get to Breakfast then my next goal is getting to lunch then I work towards dinner and than making it to bedtime and staying on plan.
I will be using NLP and life coaching to get through this and I am enrolling on a course to help others. So watch this space
What's happened in the last 3 1/2 years well I lost 70 pound but put 20 back on, my mum died which caused a stall. I've just returned from the 4th Annual Low Carb Cruise which I thoroughly enjoyed but couldn't fully enjoy as being part of the committee and felt scrutinized believe me no-one gave me that impression but it was how I felt personally. I felt uncomfortable so I didn't mingle as much as I should. The funny thing is on this vacation I achieved so much in New York going up Skyscrapers and climbing up a fast running waterfall Dunn's River falls. Jumping off a platform into the river, and singing in the talent show. I am an achiever I can do things if I set my mind to it so why then do I struggle daily sticking to plan with food! Even Chris saying if I get to goal he will pay for a tummy tuck for me doesn't seem to drive me!
This week I've been thinking my weightless struggle is an emotional one, I already know what I should be eating yet sometimes I give in to temptation as if to say to he'll with it. So now I am looking at what are the triggers and how can I prevent them from controlling my life. So from now on I am strictly low carb hih fat and on a journey which will also evaluate my eating patterns and sharing what I have learnt about myself!
I started yesterday on lowcarb high fat and was 205 this morning I was 201 so have lost some water initially but I do feel strong and I am determined but I keep saying to myself just for today I'm doing okay. This is a step by step process, I set myself little goals first I get to Breakfast then my next goal is getting to lunch then I work towards dinner and than making it to bedtime and staying on plan.
I will be using NLP and life coaching to get through this and I am enrolling on a course to help others. So watch this space
Monday, 15 October 2007
Hitting a rut
Hi all
Well I have not been too good recently re food. I know I have an eating disorder and I really need to conquer that. I cannot stand the lack of control I have when it comes to food . I just pig out when I am very angry and at the moment I think I am carrying alot of anger. Not just at Kimkins but also my Ex Husband. We have only been seperated 1 year but i don't think I came to terms with it fully. Don't get me wrong I am happy in general but I think there are some underlying things that I have not dealt with.
I am in a new relationship with Chris, ouch I hear you say rebound, but we have known each other 26 years and had a brief relationship 20 years ago before I moved to London from Lincolnshire. His Wife left last November so we are in the same boat and I think in some way fate brought us together as it feels so right. We are both happy go lucky we never argue and we just feel so right together. We are not running just walking we don't make too many plans for the future and have not made any comitments, but you know when you are with someone and it just feels so right well that is how it is with us. I hate being apart from him but we have our own space too. Both our kids, (I have 2 boys, he has 2 girls) get on really well. When we contacted each other in January we were both still hurting from the marriage break up, but we got to know each other again and I feel fate has dealt us a chance here. Oh and he is coming on the cruise with me. Any way I have been between Lincolnshire and London for a few months now and finally found out a friend is going to Thailand for 6 months and said I can use his house until he gets back. I just feel things are happening for a reason and I am just going along with what feels right for me. So I am back in London for 3 days and need to pack so I have told the boys for every box they pack i will give them £1 which is about $2. They are up for it so after this morning, as we are all tired from travelling last night we got back at midnight, we are going to get cracking and pack. . So on the 29th the boys start their new school and we stay at Chris' for one week then move into my friends on the November 3rd.
Both Chris and I have joind a gym as he lost about 70lb when his wife left so he needs to tone up and although I have gym equipment at home I need to go with someone also to stop me getting bored. My friends have also said they want to go swimming on Ladies night when I have moved. I know once I am moved I will be better emotionally as when I come to London I am alone with no friends and my old friend who is a neighbour also has been horrible to me, dumping rubbish in my garden and making silent calls. I would call the police but I figured I am only here for a short time and I will be gone.
My plan is once I have moved I will plan my eating for the week, also my exercise and get my friends to join me. I am also looking for a job so my self esteem should improve and my independance too. I have the cruise to look forward to so that is really keeping me going.
Oh and re Kimmer i got an email which now says that Kimkins is under new management, is that a way of trying to keep support??? I don't personally think anything has changed, after all who would take over that sight now with all that has been happening.
Here is the second news report about her
http://video.ktla.com/global/video/popup/pop_player.asp?clipid1=1803674&at1=News+-+Hard+News&vt1=v&h1=10/2+-+KTLA+Exclusive!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=http://www.ktla.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&playerV
Well I have not been too good recently re food. I know I have an eating disorder and I really need to conquer that. I cannot stand the lack of control I have when it comes to food . I just pig out when I am very angry and at the moment I think I am carrying alot of anger. Not just at Kimkins but also my Ex Husband. We have only been seperated 1 year but i don't think I came to terms with it fully. Don't get me wrong I am happy in general but I think there are some underlying things that I have not dealt with.
I am in a new relationship with Chris, ouch I hear you say rebound, but we have known each other 26 years and had a brief relationship 20 years ago before I moved to London from Lincolnshire. His Wife left last November so we are in the same boat and I think in some way fate brought us together as it feels so right. We are both happy go lucky we never argue and we just feel so right together. We are not running just walking we don't make too many plans for the future and have not made any comitments, but you know when you are with someone and it just feels so right well that is how it is with us. I hate being apart from him but we have our own space too. Both our kids, (I have 2 boys, he has 2 girls) get on really well. When we contacted each other in January we were both still hurting from the marriage break up, but we got to know each other again and I feel fate has dealt us a chance here. Oh and he is coming on the cruise with me. Any way I have been between Lincolnshire and London for a few months now and finally found out a friend is going to Thailand for 6 months and said I can use his house until he gets back. I just feel things are happening for a reason and I am just going along with what feels right for me. So I am back in London for 3 days and need to pack so I have told the boys for every box they pack i will give them £1 which is about $2. They are up for it so after this morning, as we are all tired from travelling last night we got back at midnight, we are going to get cracking and pack. . So on the 29th the boys start their new school and we stay at Chris' for one week then move into my friends on the November 3rd.
Both Chris and I have joind a gym as he lost about 70lb when his wife left so he needs to tone up and although I have gym equipment at home I need to go with someone also to stop me getting bored. My friends have also said they want to go swimming on Ladies night when I have moved. I know once I am moved I will be better emotionally as when I come to London I am alone with no friends and my old friend who is a neighbour also has been horrible to me, dumping rubbish in my garden and making silent calls. I would call the police but I figured I am only here for a short time and I will be gone.
My plan is once I have moved I will plan my eating for the week, also my exercise and get my friends to join me. I am also looking for a job so my self esteem should improve and my independance too. I have the cruise to look forward to so that is really keeping me going.
Oh and re Kimmer i got an email which now says that Kimkins is under new management, is that a way of trying to keep support??? I don't personally think anything has changed, after all who would take over that sight now with all that has been happening.
Here is the second news report about her
http://video.ktla.com/global/video/popup/pop_player.asp?clipid1=1803674&at1=News+-+Hard+News&vt1=v&h1=10/2+-+KTLA+Exclusive!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=http://www.ktla.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&playerV
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Still Struggling
Why oh who am I doing this to myself?
I wake up each day and say to myself today I am going to eat well. Then something happens to trigger me to eat.
I think I am still holding a lot of anger!!
I recieved this link today which I found very interesting!!
http://video.ktla.com/global/video/popup/pop_player.asp?clipid1=1803674&at1=News+-+Hard+News&vt1=v&h1=10/2+-+KTLA+Exclusive!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=http://www.ktla.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&playerV
After all aren't we all in the same position? Don't we all have the same goal? Are we not there to support each other with this disease?
I know I will lose my weight and I know I will need surgery at the end of it as my excess skin is stopping me getting where I want to be.
One day I will wake up and I will stay strong and it will sink in that I am worth it I deserve to look after myself!!
I am in Wales this weekend so will take time to re-evaluate what I am doing.
I wake up each day and say to myself today I am going to eat well. Then something happens to trigger me to eat.
I think I am still holding a lot of anger!!
I recieved this link today which I found very interesting!!
http://video.ktla.com/global/video/popup/pop_player.asp?clipid1=1803674&at1=News+-+Hard+News&vt1=v&h1=10/2+-+KTLA+Exclusive!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=http://www.ktla.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&playerV
After all aren't we all in the same position? Don't we all have the same goal? Are we not there to support each other with this disease?
I know I will lose my weight and I know I will need surgery at the end of it as my excess skin is stopping me getting where I want to be.
One day I will wake up and I will stay strong and it will sink in that I am worth it I deserve to look after myself!!
I am in Wales this weekend so will take time to re-evaluate what I am doing.
Saturday, 22 September 2007
A new day a new diet again!
This is me at my heaviest probably between 230 and 250lb, i was in denial so refused to weigh myself.The aim of this blog is not to get into the politics of the kimkins issue, but rather a cathartic process for myself and also share my journey with others.
Last night was the wake up call i needed. I have been posting on Kimkins for days now with little or no response I felt very alone in what was a thriving and supportive comunity. I had spent 2 weeks starving myself, yes that is a very difficult thing for me to say but yes i was eating so little I am ashamed of myself. But looking back it was the conditioning from the advice had been given.
I now have to re-evaluate what is happening with my WOE so that I can change and do it the correct way. I do feel cheated and let down badlt but it just goes to show how easily overweight people can be drawn in. We are all after that quick fix to lose weight, that magic pill or any way to lose weight that doesn't require much effort on our part.
I never want to return to my heaviest, see photo.
I have tried all diets Lighter Life and Kimkins being my last 2. Both were quick fixes which took me away from being tempted by food, yes, like alot of overweight people I am a compulsive overeater. so if I had a strict regime I could stick to it. Real food scares me.
Where do I go from here, well I think firstly i need to take it one day at a time. I am taking this week to read, educate myself and re change my mind set into a new way of thinking.
This really needs to be my last new way of eating as it need to be a life change, the way I choose to eat will be how I continue to eat permanently.
I know I am going to eat Low Carb and have joined Living La Vida Low Carb. There is more support there and everyone seems so friendly.
So here is my first entry for now I just have to get through the first few weeks then hopefully I will be a loser again. One goal is keeping me going is the prospect of going on the cruise next February.
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