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Monday, 15 October 2007

Hitting a rut

Hi all

Well I have not been too good recently re food. I know I have an eating disorder and I really need to conquer that. I cannot stand the lack of control I have when it comes to food . I just pig out when I am very angry and at the moment I think I am carrying alot of anger. Not just at Kimkins but also my Ex Husband. We have only been seperated 1 year but i don't think I came to terms with it fully. Don't get me wrong I am happy in general but I think there are some underlying things that I have not dealt with.

I am in a new relationship with Chris, ouch I hear you say rebound, but we have known each other 26 years and had a brief relationship 20 years ago before I moved to London from Lincolnshire. His Wife left last November so we are in the same boat and I think in some way fate brought us together as it feels so right. We are both happy go lucky we never argue and we just feel so right together. We are not running just walking we don't make too many plans for the future and have not made any comitments, but you know when you are with someone and it just feels so right well that is how it is with us. I hate being apart from him but we have our own space too. Both our kids, (I have 2 boys, he has 2 girls) get on really well. When we contacted each other in January we were both still hurting from the marriage break up, but we got to know each other again and I feel fate has dealt us a chance here. Oh and he is coming on the cruise with me. Any way I have been between Lincolnshire and London for a few months now and finally found out a friend is going to Thailand for 6 months and said I can use his house until he gets back. I just feel things are happening for a reason and I am just going along with what feels right for me. So I am back in London for 3 days and need to pack so I have told the boys for every box they pack i will give them £1 which is about $2. They are up for it so after this morning, as we are all tired from travelling last night we got back at midnight, we are going to get cracking and pack. . So on the 29th the boys start their new school and we stay at Chris' for one week then move into my friends on the November 3rd.

Both Chris and I have joind a gym as he lost about 70lb when his wife left so he needs to tone up and although I have gym equipment at home I need to go with someone also to stop me getting bored. My friends have also said they want to go swimming on Ladies night when I have moved. I know once I am moved I will be better emotionally as when I come to London I am alone with no friends and my old friend who is a neighbour also has been horrible to me, dumping rubbish in my garden and making silent calls. I would call the police but I figured I am only here for a short time and I will be gone.

My plan is once I have moved I will plan my eating for the week, also my exercise and get my friends to join me. I am also looking for a job so my self esteem should improve and my independance too. I have the cruise to look forward to so that is really keeping me going.

Oh and re Kimmer i got an email which now says that Kimkins is under new management, is that a way of trying to keep support??? I don't personally think anything has changed, after all who would take over that sight now with all that has been happening.

Here is the second news report about her!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Still Struggling

Why oh who am I doing this to myself?

I wake up each day and say to myself today I am going to eat well. Then something happens to trigger me to eat.

I think I am still holding a lot of anger!!

I recieved this link today which I found very interesting!!!!!++Internet+Diet+Scam+Exposed&d1=219667&redirUrl=

After all aren't we all in the same position? Don't we all have the same goal? Are we not there to support each other with this disease?

I know I will lose my weight and I know I will need surgery at the end of it as my excess skin is stopping me getting where I want to be.

One day I will wake up and I will stay strong and it will sink in that I am worth it I deserve to look after myself!!

I am in Wales this weekend so will take time to re-evaluate what I am doing.

Saturday, 22 September 2007

A new day a new diet again!

This is me at my heaviest probably between 230 and 250lb, i was in denial so refused to weigh myself.

The aim of this blog is not to get into the politics of the kimkins issue, but rather a cathartic process for myself and also share my journey with others.

Last night was the wake up call i needed. I have been posting on Kimkins for days now with little or no response I felt very alone in what was a thriving and supportive comunity. I had spent 2 weeks starving myself, yes that is a very difficult thing for me to say but yes i was eating so little I am ashamed of myself. But looking back it was the conditioning from the advice had been given.

I now have to re-evaluate what is happening with my WOE so that I can change and do it the correct way. I do feel cheated and let down badlt but it just goes to show how easily overweight people can be drawn in. We are all after that quick fix to lose weight, that magic pill or any way to lose weight that doesn't require much effort on our part.

I never want to return to my heaviest, see photo.

I have tried all diets Lighter Life and Kimkins being my last 2. Both were quick fixes which took me away from being tempted by food, yes, like alot of overweight people I am a compulsive overeater. so if I had a strict regime I could stick to it. Real food scares me.

Where do I go from here, well I think firstly i need to take it one day at a time. I am taking this week to read, educate myself and re change my mind set into a new way of thinking.

This really needs to be my last new way of eating as it need to be a life change, the way I choose to eat will be how I continue to eat permanently.

I know I am going to eat Low Carb and have joined Living La Vida Low Carb. There is more support there and everyone seems so friendly.

So here is my first entry for now I just have to get through the first few weeks then hopefully I will be a loser again. One goal is keeping me going is the prospect of going on the cruise next February.