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Monday, 30 May 2011

Despite a very difficult weekend I stuck to plan!

This weekend was Bank Holiday Weekend, it is traditionally a time for enjoying families or planning a weekend away. We were without the kids this weekend so Chris and I just planned time to ourselves. We decided to go to Lincoln just to browse around the shops. Our first stop was Starbucks, Chris's favourite coffee place! We sat down, well I actually sat and claimed a table while Chris got the drinks, I had Americano with pouring cream which I was thrilled with! I picked up my iPad and logged into Facebook, I had a message from Nikki my friend in London. It was telling me to ring her mum Lynda, my initial thought was ooh maybe she's getting married, I couldn't get through on the phone so messaged Nikki back saying I couldn't get through and I hoped everything is ok. She responded telling me to just keep trying, I gave a look at Chris which more or less told him I was worried! I really didn't want to make that call as thought it would be bad news. As I was calling I thought maybe it was her mum, she'd need support! I had to go outside as it was too noisy. You know sometimes you are in a situation usually a bad situation you go into that surreal slow motion, this was happening. Lynda asked if I'd been on her Facebook page and read her status, now I felt sick, I told her no. She then informed me her youngest child Michael had been killed, he was 16, in fact it was the day before his 17th birthday. He was walking across a pedestrian crossing when a bus came through at speed and knocked him over. I just stood in the carpark of Starbucks breaking down, people were sat there just going on with there day as normal. I felt so desperate and just in so much pain, pain as a mother imagining what my poor friend must be going through. A pain I could only just begin to imagine how it would feel to lose a child, a pain no mother should ever have to feel. I was so sad as Michael was one of those happy children with a beautiful spirit. He had a wicked sense of humour and he always had a smile on his face when I saw him. I hadn't seen him for a few years but was still in contact with the family! Only a few weekends a go I was discussing with Lynda the usual motherly things, how our kids are doing, how well Michael was doing and he'd just started working. We were saying how time flies, I've know Lynda for 11 years and yes time does fly. I felt guilty and still feel guilty that I hadn't made more effort to go and visit them, how we all get wrapped in our own little worlds, we get so busy that we never seem to find time to stop and pay friends a visit.

When I came off the phone I felt a big overwhelming need to phone Ben, to hear his voice and know he was ok, I told him about Michael, while growing up they had spent time together usually discussing playstation as kids do. I couldn't speak to Luke as I felt I had to protect him from my emotions, having Aspergers makes it difficult for him to understand emotions and he can also get distressed when he sees or hears me crying.

This weekend I have felt lost and raw, I've been thinking if this is how I'm feeling then Lynda must feel a million times worse. How can you ever recover from anything like this, people say it gets easier but how can losing your child get easy.

Today we went out to East Kirkby to an aviation museum, we had a really good day, looking around I could see lots of families having fun and enjoying the day. Then I would just stop again and think of Lynda, and Nikki and Kim (Michael's sisters) probably all feeling a sense of loss that they could not comprehend, a sense of injustice.

Knowing how I am with food and my emotions and being at risk of eating the wrong things I made a batch of sugar free meringues and some oopsies, I bought some cream and whipped it up. I had some to eat but it wasn't out of this need to stuff my face, I just had some and enjoyed them. But to be honest I think if I hadn't made them I couldn't be bothered I felt flat emotionally and had no interest. This believe me is a first.

I had a Skype chat with Jimmy Moore on Saturday, I was feeling frustrated over my weight gain, he was there for me, after a very difficult day it was good to hear a friendly voice, he had no idea what I was going through emotionally. We discussed my food and what could be the possible cause of my stall in weightloss and Jimmy gave me tips on adding more fat to my diet. It was good to talk to him he gave me some great tips and I came off the chat feeling more positive, I am no longer concerned with my weight coming off although yes it would be a bonus. I feel a million times better in my physical self and I know my blood sugar has reduced drastically. I must take a reading actually so I have a real idea of how I am doing.

My goal for next week is to try go without 'comfort' food, even though I know I am eating stuff that is allowed, I am going to try reduce that need to eat indulgently. But I am recognising that I've done well this weekend in staying away from bad foods and that is a big achievement for me. I also recognised that chewing gum could be what is stalling my weight, it has 62g of carb per 100g, yes I know it would take a lot of sticks to get through 100g, but I feel it is one of the causes.

This week I will not have gum and hard cheese and just monitor on Friday if it makes a difference, but I am at the stage where I'm not really bothered about weightloss anymore. I also bought Zumba for the Wii so I'm going to try that out tomorrow afternoon. I met a personal trainer who does sports massage who recommended resistance training so may book some sessions with her just to get me going.

Remember your kids are precious even when they are being annoying, treasure each moment.


Kim said...

Great Non Scale victory. Something to be said for loving ourselves just for feeling good and doing the right thing for our bodies!

Lisa said...

Losing a child is never easy and is something that is never fully understood unless one has been through it. It makes me appreciate the time I have with my son more than ever.
Don't stress over the weight reading on the scale. One day you will wake up and wonder when did you lose all that weight...I promise lol