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Saturday, 14 May 2011

Still doing good but want to start from my beginnings.

I've been low carb high fat(LCHF) all week now and still feeling determined and strong but think I'm going through detox at the minute as my IBS has returned and getting sicky headaches. I haven't felt the need to go off plan, note I am not using the word cheat I hate that word.

Coming back from the recent Low Carb Cruise has made me think and take stock of things, I really enjoyed the cruise and meeting with my friends and seeing new people but the not mingling was a problem for me, so next year my goal will be to feel good about myself and to be better at meeting the people next year I know will be bigger, better and busier.

Today I have been looking at myself more and why I get my hackles up when people criticize anything to do with my size, I think all my life it has been an issue for me. Looking back it seemed like my weight was always the subject that people felt they had a need to tell me as if it was their right. I suppose firstly I grew up in a home that we had 3 meals a day and you ate what you were given. Fruit was not a daily part of my diet usually at Christmas we got a tangerine on our stocking. This later became Terry's Chocolate Oranges, when I was young i think the sweets and chocolate gave me a quick fix to fill a gap in my life, that gap I won't really go into as I have moved on from this.

Whenever we had get togethers as a family well meaning aunties would talk about my fat as puppy fat and when I grow up it will go! Well for a short time between 16 and 20 it did. I remember being thin and enjoying it but never felt I could be free to be thin! I lived in Italy for a year as a Nanny and really enjoyed my time there, I lived in with an Italian family and leant to speak Italian I felt good about myself and proud that I had learnt another language. At the end of my time in Italy I got a job in a coffee shop, the owner an older man probably in his mid 50's, he was quite chatty and my accommodation was included with my job. After my first day Vito needed to get rid of some rubbish! I was very naive so thought nothing of getting in the car with him as he said he would take me to the apartment after. We drove up into the hills surrounding Florence where he encouraged me out of the car to look at the beautiful view of Florence. That was when my life changed, the evil man raped me! I got back in the car and he drove me back to he city and dropped me off at the apartment, getting in the car was difficult but I was alone in the middle of nowhere survival took over. I remember this feeling of being totally alone and lost, I think I spent the whole night in the shower just trying to get clean. This was when I returned to the UK, I think my mind blotted out what had happened. I met up with Chris he was then and is now the love of my life but when we got together then it scared me because of what had happened and I ran away to live in London! This I do regret but I don't regret marrying my ex husband as I gained my 2 boys who I am very proud of and they fulfil my life.

This I think was the start of my struggle with food, I would binge eat anything. I was a non purging bulimic as I wanted to get fat, after all if I was fat nobody would be attracted to me and in my mind this would prevent what happened in Italy right! I had this inner struggle so wanting to be slim but every time I tried I would lose a certain amount of weight then I would panic and the diet would fail again.

Again a well meaning aunt who I'd not seen for years saw me, I was so looking forward to seeing her too, she didn't even say hello the first words out of her mouth was "god you've got fat!" I could have died on the spot but somehow I had grown up learning to just accept insults without saying anything. I mean I could have turned around and said "my how wrinkly and old you look now" but I would never be so rude.

I think the problem is people judge a person without looking behind the face of the person in front of them. The native Indians have a great saying which I try and live my life by "Oh Great Spirit please help me to never judge another until I have walked 2 moons in their moccasins".

When you live with a weight problem you are judged on a daily basis with people making perceptions, looking at what you are eating. On the recent cruise I really couldn't relax as I felt I daren't eat what I want to for fear of being judged. I love the people on the low carb cruise as they have a passion for the cause but sometimes when there is passion for something compassion is lost. We are all human and we all have weaknesses. I admire someone who can make a choice to omit certain foods without a problem, but we are all different and at differing stages in our journey to lose weight and be healthy, some people take a straight road while other take a winding road. No body is better than the other and some struggle more than others. I now have changed my attitude towards people who try to evangelize to me in a forceful way that eating Carbs is so wrong. I know Carbs are bad but I have off days and I have learnt to sometimes give in otherwise the struggle gets worse and can lead to a binge.

If you don't have a struggle with food and you are tempted to give an opinion or a disapproving look at what is on someone's plate, stop for one moment and think, just one little comment or look that is negative can create a whole spiral of emotions that can lead to someone like me going on an eating binge. This does not mean I am weak or I need pity just compassion and respect. Take an inward look and say to yourself thank God I don't live with this nightmare.

Why did I share all this well I am on a journey and I want to share that journey as I hope in doing this blog I can share my ups and downs but it will also keep me accountable.


Kim said...

Well said. We all have our battles and fight every day to overcome them. You are courageous and beautiful weight not withstanding. I can't wait to see where this journey takes us!

cruise reuter said...

Way to go Alisa. I love your attitude and confidence. Good Luck !!

Joycie said...

Well done you! Weall struggle in our family Ailsa as you know with weight/emotional problems, low self esteem etc. So be strong, you can do this. x

skigirlred said...

Ailsa, you're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I have a similar story as yours... and it happened when I was thin. Some men in this world are pure evil!
You are brave for sharing something so personal. I'm more proud than ever now to call you friend.

Ailsauk said...

Thanks for your support it means a lot, love you lots Joyce xx

Ailsauk said...

Laurie bless you can't wait til the next cruise to have some girl time xx